Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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