my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
soo... how was my night?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
