I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
