He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
