Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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