walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
