Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
