i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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