just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
