I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
