When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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