Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
