and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
