I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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