Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
