No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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