remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
