I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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