I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
