Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
