i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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