I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
