I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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