Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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