i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize