Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
