I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
