I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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