Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
