this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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