Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
