before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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