dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
