She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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