She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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