dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
