girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
