this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
