so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
