I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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