Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
