Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
