it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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