My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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