i can't believe i had my finger in that
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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