look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
