Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
