just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
