ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
