His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
