Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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