we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
