worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
