Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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