peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
