So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
