wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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