awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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