Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
