No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
